Financial Guru Sounds Alarm, Warns Investors To Act On Gut Instincts Alone
FINANCIAL ADVISOR ANNOUNCES IT'S TIME TO PANIC, URGES CLIENTS TO MAKE HASTY EMOTIONAL DECISIONS
In a shocking move, financial advisor Peter P. Panic announced yesterday that it's officially time to freak out. According to Panic, the current market volatility has reached a boiling point, and it's time for his clients to make some hasty, emotional decisions.
"It's time to panic, folks!" Panic exclaimed in a press conference. "The market is on fire, and we need to get out of here before it's too late! I mean, who needs a diversified portfolio when you can just throw your money at a shiny new cryptocurrency or a get-rich-quick scheme? It's all about the thrill of the ride, baby!"
Panic's clients, who were initially skeptical of the advisor's sudden change of heart, are now scrambling to make rash decisions. One client, who wished to remain anonymous, reported that she has already invested her entire life savings in a pyramid scheme.
"I mean, what's the worst that could happen, right?" she said. "I'll just be the one person who gets rich off this thing. It's a sure thing!"
Another client, who had been diligently saving for retirement, reported that she has decided to blow her entire nest egg on a series of get-rich-quick seminars.
"I just can't get enough of those guys telling me how to make millions by doing absolutely nothing!" she exclaimed. "It's like they're speaking my language!"
Panic's office has been flooded with calls from clients seeking advice on how to make the most of this "once-in-a-lifetime opportunity." Panic, meanwhile, is reaping the benefits of his own panic-inducing advice, having invested his own life savings in a series of highly speculative ventures.
"It's all about being bold, folks!" he said. "You've got to be willing to take risks and make some sacrifices. Trust me, it'll be worth it in the end."
As the financial world continues to spin out of control, one thing is certain: Peter P. Panic is having the time of his life.